What if the sidewalk ends....

The name of my blog is "What if the sidewalk ends?" This is a strange name for most, but let me tell you a little about the reason for that name.


A little background needs to be explained to have a better understanding of recent events.... I have always lived my life in a very black and white way. I like to follow the rules, be on time, and do the right thing. Most people who know me will let you know that I don't allow very much grey to influence any of my decisions. I typically choose logic and reason over emotions. I have been known to have my fair share of emotions, but for the most part I am a very level headed person. Most people in my life are driven by their emotions and that really is okay. People often say things they don't mean out of anger, love, jealousy, etc. I take pride in the fact that I listen to people's emotion and intent more than the actual words they are trying to convey. I don't typically allow myself to emotionally react to things, I am a more of a proactive person than a reactive person. Every single day, I choose the words I speak and the actions I take based off the fact that it will all have a ripple effect. I am not a "live in the moment" kind of person. What I do today is driven by logically deciding how it will effect me and the people around me 5 years from now.


My husband and daughter are the EXACT opposite of me. They go through life in a big whirlwind of creative chaos. When I said everything has a ripple effect, I meant that for most people. People like my husband and daughter, don't make ripples... they make waves. When people ask "why?",  they ask "why not?" When others ask "what if", they say "let's do it!"  They are both such beautiful souls. They are spontaneous, passionate, and full of life. That is why we make a great team! I need to be reminded to stop and smell the roses and they need to be reminded to be careful because there might be thorns.


People would tell you that I am a controlling person and those people are correct. I am not controlling in a negative way and never wish for someone to be anyone other than themselves, but I do try to control all the variables in life that can affect the people I care about. I work long hours, I make every Halloween costume, I organize parties, I coordinate events, I lead almost every single situation I am a part of.  I do all of this to ensure the people I care about have the best opportunity to be happy. All of my time is dedicated to everyone else around me and I love every minute of it.


I was recently diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis. I knew I had it for about a year before I was brave enough to actually go to the doctor. I didn't want to face the fact that I have an autoimmune disorder. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do the same things as I once could. In October 2016, I had to face my fear and start seeking treatment. I have a very aggressive kind. I have significant arthritis in my feet, shoulders, hips, lower spine, and knees. The Orthopedic wants to do multiple surgeries,  the Rheumatologist wants more testing to see if my major organs are being damaged, and the dermatologist needs to remove my squamous cell carcinoma on my chest. (The skin cancer is unrelated to my PsA, but still just one more issue on the table at the moment) All testing will be completed and a treatment plan has to be decided on November 1st. So I sit here and wait....wait for the doctor's to tell me when chemo starts, when surgery happens, and whether or not I am going to have heart failure in the next year.  As I sit and wait to see which of the horrible options I have, I am like.... can one of the options just be to not have any of this? I want to scream HEY PsA,  don't you know I have 48 tutus to make for my daughter's dance team? Don't you know I have one-on-one meetings with my employees that need to be done? Don't you know I have a husband that needs his happy, energetic wife to greet him at the door with a hug after a long day? Don't you know I have a 15 month old that needs me to crawl on the floor with him?


So you are asking....Sommer, when will you get to the whole point of this post? Why is called What if the sidewalk ends???? Well, I will tell you. The other night, my husband and I were discussing all of this recent news and our way of thinking was brought up. We talked about our differences and if something were to happen to me what we should do about the kids. It wasn't a long, let's plan your funeral talk, but it was intense nonetheless. I told him that I want to make sure our daughter continues to live life the same way he does and our son to grow up and be like both of them. He didn't really understand what I meant so I gave him this analogy. When people go for a walk, they typically stay on the sidewalk to be safe. When my daughter and husband go for a (theoretical) walk, they dance in the street instead of walk on the sidewalk. I explained that most people are either "sidewalkers" or the "dancers". Then there are people like me,  who don't want to even walk on the sidewalk because they are too afraid of what to do if the sidewalk ends.......


Taking the most familiar, logical, and safest path in life is my comfort zone. Being the consistent and reliable person, allows for those I care about to take chances and risks. They can color outside the lines and dance in the rain because they can always count on me to be the glue that holds their beautiful life together.  Getting diagnosed with PsA, has not only taken me off my familiar path, it is affecting all of those I care about. Who will clean up the paint when they are done coloring? Who will bring them a towel when the rain stops?




This is going to be a long, hard journey, but I will not let this disease define me. I pray for God's wisdom, comfort, and strength through all of this.  Through His power, anything is possible!